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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

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Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.

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Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)

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I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

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Just because your smart doesn't mean your wise.

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When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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Fall in love with my mind.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

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The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.

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I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

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Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?

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I know I just met you last week but I kinda, sorta, just maybe, seriously have been curiously thinking about you every day since.

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A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

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Don't like me? Take a seat with the rest of the bitches waiting for me to give a fuck

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Wherever you go, there you are.