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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...

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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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Cool story bro, changed my life.

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Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O

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True friends aren't bought, they are earned.

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Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

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You live and you learn.

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The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.

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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

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I study for minutes and take breaks for hours.

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Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.

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The world needs less people that judge and more people that love.

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I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.

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Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.

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My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.