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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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Never count on tomorrow because it may forget to show up.

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Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.

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The people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

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Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.

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When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."

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Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.

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Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

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I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.

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Don't make time for people who can't make time for you.

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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

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I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.

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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.

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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.