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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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Everything will be alright in the end, if its not alright, its not the end.

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Regret lasts longer than fear.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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Haters hate because they are what you ain't.

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If being sexy were against the law you'd be guilty as charged.

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We put the "us" in trust, baby.

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I'm killing time, waiting for time to kill me.

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Say what you mean and mean what you say because the people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

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Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

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It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.

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New anti depressant for lesbians... Trycoxagain

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.

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You can be worthless to someone, but priceless to another.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.