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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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Nice guys finish last, that is because they put their girls first.

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Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.

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Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.

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Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.

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I'm not stupid, I'm just not thinking straight right now.

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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.

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Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O

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When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.

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A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

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WORRY looks around. REGRET looks back. FAITH looks forward.

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Don't hate me because I'm better than you, hate yourself because you're not as good as me.

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Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.

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The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.