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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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If you got haters, you must be doing something right.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

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The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.

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Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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The smile is every woman's sexiest curve.

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Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.

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When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.

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If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.

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If being sexy were against the law you'd be guilty as charged.

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I can only endure saying goodbye because saying hello again will be all the sweeter.

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The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.

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If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!