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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.

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NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.

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Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.

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Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.

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You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

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To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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How the hell does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?

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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

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Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

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Fall in love with my mind.

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Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

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New anti depressant for lesbians... Trycoxagain

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....

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The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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Got an issue? Get a tissue.