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I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face

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Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.

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New anti depressant for lesbians... Trycoxagain

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Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.

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My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.

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Believe in yourself. If you don't, then no one else will have a reason to.

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Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.

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The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

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I've gone bankrupt a few times and it's pretty scary. But eventually I make it to the ATM and get more money.

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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

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Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.

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Got an issue? Get a tissue.

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Love is calling back regardless of how many times they hangup on you.

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Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

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Be what you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.