I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.
Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.
Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a spider web you suddenly become a ninja?
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.
If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?
I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.
I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.
I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?
