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Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

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I would love you if love meant the complete opposite of what it means today.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts.

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Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.

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The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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Auto-correct can kiss my ask.

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When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.

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Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.

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Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.

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It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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You live and you learn.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.