Your actions are speaking so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
If you can't beat them, taze them.
It isn't till you've lost everything that you are free to do anything.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
Trust in God but lock your car.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".
You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."
When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.
Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.
I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.
I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.
The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.
I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.
The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.
