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You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

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Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

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Maturity is knowing when to be immature.

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Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.

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We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.

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Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?

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Real eyes realize real lies.

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Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!

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The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.

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Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.

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Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.

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When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".

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Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?