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You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

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Who you are, who you want to be, and who you once were can be three different people.

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Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.

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Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.

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I eat problems, then shit out success.

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Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.

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If you can't convince them, confuse them.

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Haters hate because they are what you ain't.

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When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.

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That sad moment when you find an old conversation between you and someone you don't talk to anymore.

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If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

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Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.

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Wild hearts can't be broken.

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I'm invisible, can you see me? Yeah? How about tomorrow night?

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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

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I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.

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The lottery: voluntary taxation.

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.