Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.
I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Teacher: "You failed the test." - Student:"You failed to educate."
Roses are red. Violets are blue! Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
