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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

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To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!

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A relationship with NO TRUST is like a car with no gasoline. You can stay in it all you want but it won't go anywhere.

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An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.

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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.

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Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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Wherever you go, there you are.

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History always has a way of repeating itself, bad or good, a perfect circle.

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.

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A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.