Love needs to get glasses.
Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
S_CCESS can't be complete without U.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
Maturity is knowing when to be immature.
I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'
Don't tell me the rules if you can't even play the game.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!
