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Dreams lift when reality falls.

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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.

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Don't allow someone to be your priorty while allowing yourself to be there option.

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Haters are just confused admirers.

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Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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Forget it enough to get over it, remember it enough so it doesnt happen again.

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I know I have friends and I know I have enemies. I just can't tell who is who.

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It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.

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You don't have to understand to be understanding.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.