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I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.

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Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.

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Haters hate because they are what you ain't.

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

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Aspire to inspire before you expire.

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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face

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How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

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Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.

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Make money, don't let it make you.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!

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Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.

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If we're not supposed to have late night snacks....why is there a light in the fridge?