Everybody spread positivity.
I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
Cool story bro, changed my life.
Those who live by the sword are bound to be shot by those who don't.
I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.
Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I most need it.
Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?
I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
Real eyes realize real lies.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Regret lasts longer than fear.
Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
