It's weird not to be weird.
Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.
Everybody spread positivity.
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.
My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
I want to go to Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the company.
Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I'm invisible, can you see me? Yeah? How about tomorrow night?
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.
The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.
Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
If someone tries to bring you down it means that you are higher than them.
Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...
Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.
