You inspire me to be a better pervert.
A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.
Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.
Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
I'm not an Alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.
Haters make you famous.
Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.
The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Just because your smart doesn't mean your wise.
Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.
