You inspire me to be a better pervert.
You're only as good as your last game.
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
You need over 60 muscles to look angry and less then 10 to smile, so why tire yourself?
You cannot fathom the amount of fuck I do not give.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
Everybody spread positivity.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.
Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)
I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.
