I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.
Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.
Cool story bro. In what chapter do you shut the fuck up in?
I don't watch any reality TV because I seriously can't afford to hate society any more than I already do.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.
If it put a smile on my face, there is no reason to regret.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
Haters make you famous.
