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I really need you to, put the camera down and step away from the mirror.

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If she talks to you about everyone then she must talk to everyone about you.

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God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....

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The last thing I want to do is die.

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To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!

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I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.

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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

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Haters hate because they are what you ain't.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

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The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Love always costs more than you can afford, but its always worth the price.

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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

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It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

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Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right man to see it.

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Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.

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I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.