The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.
I'm not addicted to Twitter. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Born to be different, like everyone else.
Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.
Cockiness is just confidence without confidence.
The smile is every woman's sexiest curve.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.
I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.
The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Don't wait for anybody to complete you.
Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O
I eat problems, then shit out success.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
