The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.
I'm sorry you had bad luck and turned out to be an idiot.
The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.
I swear to drunk I'm not god.
The people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
New anti depressant for lesbians... Trycoxagain
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Love is just a word, until someone comes along and gives it meaning.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
Teacher: "You failed the test." - Student:"You failed to educate."
If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
