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You can't buy love....but you pay heavily for it.

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F that B.

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Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

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If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.

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If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.

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I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.

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If you were a transformer you would be a hot-obot called Optimus Fine.

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Love needs to get glasses.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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You live and you learn.

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It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.