I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.
From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.
I'm not spoiled, I'm just well taken care of.
My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.
Nice shoes! Wanna screw?
When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."
That sad moment when you find an old conversation between you and someone you don't talk to anymore.
Winners do what other people won't.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.
When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.
Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
