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I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.

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Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.

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Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.

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When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.

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Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

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If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.

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Real eyes realize real lies.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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The awkward moment when you're eavesdropping on a strangers conversation and accidentally laugh out loud at a funny part.

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Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.

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If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.

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If you can't change your circumstances, change the way you respond to them.