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I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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Me: *sneeze* Class: *silence*. Popular girl: *sneeze* Class: God bless you amazing and lovely sweetheart.

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You look at them. They look at you. You look away. Awkward.

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Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.

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You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.

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Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

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My life without you would be like a broken pencil. Pointless.

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Nice shoes! Wanna screw?

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Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

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From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O

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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 52 people. Then the grenade exploded.

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Boobs. That's all, just like this if you like boobs.

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Love is just a word, until someone comes along and gives it meaning.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.