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I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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The human heart is like a spring, to bounce back from pitfalls and rise to joys, and it definitely needs space.

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Light up the world with your smile, because you never know who might be stuck somewhere dark.

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Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.

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I don't hate school. I just hate the teachers, the homework, the exams and waking up early in the morning.

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If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.

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Sleep, hugs, kisses, love, friends, family, memories, smiles, laughter, fun... the best things in life are free.

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Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.

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A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

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An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.

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Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.

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I swear to drunk I'm not god.

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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

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I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.