Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too, bitch.
The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
Me: *sneeze* Class: *silence*. Popular girl: *sneeze* Class: God bless you amazing and lovely sweetheart.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.
I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.
When we hit our lowest point, We are open to the greatest changes.
Love me always, love me never, but don't love me sometimes.
Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.
When all fails, kamikaze and take everyone with you.
Fall in love with my mind.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.
KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you're middle finger HIGHER.
Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
He who laughs last didn't get it.
Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
