Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".
Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.
You need over 60 muscles to look angry and less then 10 to smile, so why tire yourself?
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.
The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.
Always remember to smile.
Playing comes first, you can work later.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."
Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
Don't make time for people who can't make time for you.
I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
Wild hearts can't be broken.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
You do not learn anything by doing everything right.
Don't look back. You'll miss what's in front of you.
