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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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Cool story bro, changed my life.

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I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?

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A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.

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Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

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If it put a smile on my face, there is no reason to regret.

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Good things don't always have to come to an end.

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Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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I put the laughter in manslaughter.

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Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.

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Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.

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Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.

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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.

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Everything will be alright in the end, if its not alright, its not the end.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.