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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".

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Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!

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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.

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There's no such thing as good girls gone bad, only bad girls found out.

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Love is calling back regardless of how many times they hangup on you.

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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.

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What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'

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The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!

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I really need you to, put the camera down and step away from the mirror.

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Wherever you go, there you are.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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Right things happen at the wrong time if you wait for them to happen.

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I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?