Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.
I'm invisible, can you see me? Yeah? How about tomorrow night?
You can hold on to a person but not a relationship.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.
WORRY looks around. REGRET looks back. FAITH looks forward.
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Smart girls open their mind, easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their heart.
Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
You got enemies, good that means you stood up for something.
