Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.
Short answers silent treatment not smiling = You did something wrong.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
You cannot fathom the amount of fuck I do not give.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.
When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Take it easy, give it hard.
I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.
I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
We put the "us" in trust, baby.
The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.
Shit happens bro. Now get over it.
