Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."
The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
A relationship with NO TRUST is like a car with no gasoline. You can stay in it all you want but it won't go anywhere.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".
The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.
So my life has reached the point where I've stopped asking "Why me!?" and started asking "Oh, again?"
You are not a winner, just the last loser standing.
When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
Mario: An Italian plumber that was created by Japanese people, who speaks English, but looks like a Mexican.
You said what you said and you said what you said, so what you said is what you said.
You do not learn anything by doing everything right.
If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.
The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.
