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Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

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It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.

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A girl looks at what a man drives. A woman looks at what drives a man.

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He who laughs last didn't get it.

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I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

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Short answers silent treatment not smiling = You did something wrong.

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The world needs less people that judge and more people that love.

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Cool story bro. Wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale; once upon a time, I don't give a shit. The end.

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Until a man finds something to die for, he has nothing to live for.

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places

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Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.

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Teacher: "You failed the test." - Student:"You failed to educate."

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I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.