Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Some people should be high-fived...in the face.
Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.
To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
Nice shoes! Wanna screw?
Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.
Life is to SHORT, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.
I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.
I want to go to Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the company.
Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.
An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.
You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.
If you're lucky enough to be different, never change.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.
Be man enough to accept the consequences, be child enough to do it anyway.
