Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.
The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?
I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?
Chuck Norris has three types of laundry...whites, darks and blood stained.
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
Hello substitute teacher... Goodbye assigned seats.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....
24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.
