Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
Maturity is knowing when to be immature.
Life is to SHORT, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.
If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
You can be worthless to someone, but priceless to another.
Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.
My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.
Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.
That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.
If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.
A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.
Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
