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You're only as good as your last game.

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Cockiness is just confidence without confidence.

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Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.

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I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

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The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

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I am not good at giving advice, but can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Don't make time for people who can't make time for you.

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I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.

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Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.

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Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

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Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.

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Life is to SHORT, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.

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Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.