You're only as good as your last game.
Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.
Each morning when we wake up, we have two choices: go back to sleep and keep dreaming, or wake up and chase those dreams.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.
Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.
Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.
Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.
Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.
Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.
If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
