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You're only as good as your last game.

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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.

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There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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The people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

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If there was only woman ruling the word there would be no wars. Just a bunch of countries jealous of each other.

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Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!

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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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Winners do what other people won't.

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I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.