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Say what you mean and mean what you say because the people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter.

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Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.

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The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.

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You can pay for school, but you can't buy class.

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Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.

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Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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I'm killing time, waiting for time to kill me.

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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.

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I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.

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Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.

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I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

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The awkward moment when people are complaining about the sizes of their nose when Voldemort's in the room.

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Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.

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That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.

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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

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Off; the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.

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The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.