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Say what you mean and mean what you say because the people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter.

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Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

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The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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Don't make time for people who can't make time for you.

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Hurting someone with the truth is better than killing them with a lie.

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If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

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Whenever I use "Thus" in a essay, I feel like motherfucking Shakespeare.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

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A rumor goes in one ear, then out of many mouths.

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Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.

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I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.

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What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places