Say what you mean and mean what you say because the people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter.
You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.
A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.
Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.
Roses are red. Violets are blue! Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.
It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.
Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.
An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
Don't tell me the rules if you can't even play the game.
How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes
My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.
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