Say what you mean and mean what you say because the people that matter don't mind and the people that mind don't matter.
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
You don't have to understand to be understanding.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
The awkward moment when you're about to hug somebody sexy and then headbutt the mirror....
We just have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in our hearts....even if they don't stay in our lives.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.
Chuck Norris once strangled someone with a cordless phone.
The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.
Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I most need it.
Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.
Everybody spread positivity.
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.
