If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom, these people are called DADS.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Negativity is poison for the soul.
Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.
That awkward moment when sluts wear clothes.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.
Face your problems, don't facebook them.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
You should never ruin an apology with an excuse.
You live and you learn.
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
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