If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
The people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.
I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.
I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.
Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.
Love me always, love me never, but don't love me sometimes.
I'll advise you... don't mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words.
I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.
The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
I knew I was in love when all those stupid love songs started to make sense.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
That awkward moment when sluts wear clothes.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
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