If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Love is calling back regardless of how many times they hangup on you.
Your character is more accurately determined by what you say about others behind their backs.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.
From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
Be man enough to accept the consequences, be child enough to do it anyway.
Wherever you go, there you are.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)
Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.
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