If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.
Trust in God but lock your car.
Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
It's not how much you love someone that matters, it's how much you make them feel loved.
When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
No one said it would be easy but I'm saying it's going to be worth it.
I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.
Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.
I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.
Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.
11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.
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