If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.
Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you weaker and weaker until it eventually kills you.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
God made opposites. He made heaven and hell, darkness and light. He made me smart, and you....
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
Haters are just confused admirers.
If you got haters, you must be doing something right.
That awkward moment when sluts wear clothes.
My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.
People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.
It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.
KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you're middle finger HIGHER.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
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