If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
From a girl's point of view, the guy always chooses the slut. From a boy's point of view, the girl always chooses the jerk.
You're only as good as your last game.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
Be positive for no reason.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.
When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
The people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.
When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.
A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.
Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.
How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.