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Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.

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If you're good at something, don't do it for free.

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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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A girl looks at what a man drives. A woman looks at what drives a man.

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I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.

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I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.

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Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!

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No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

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I'm invisible, can you see me? Yeah? How about tomorrow night?

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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New anti depressant for lesbians... Trycoxagain

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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

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There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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The sacrifice of hiding in the light is living with your shadows.

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You can pay for school, but you can't buy class.