Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you weaker and weaker until it eventually kills you.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Everybody is a student for life.
I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.
I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.
Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.
