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Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.

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It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.

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You know you love her when people think you're crazy.

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I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.

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Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

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If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.

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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

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Fall in love with my mind.

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Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.

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True friends stab you in the front!

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Don't look back. You'll miss what's in front of you.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."

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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.