Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Boys will break your heart, Real men will pick up the pieces.
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.
You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.
Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.
I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
You'll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.
The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.
I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.
Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
