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Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

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Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.

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Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.

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Take it easy, give it hard.

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I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.

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He who laughs last didn't get it.

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Life isn't about staying dry, it's about learning how to play in the rain.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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If you're good at something, don't do it for free.

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If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

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Be what you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.

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Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

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The sacrifice of hiding in the light is living with your shadows.