Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.
Annoying moment: When you decide to be angry at someone for a week and the next morning, the anger you felt so strong, disappears.
The notion that you feel my pain is extremely uncertain. You have to apply the experience and pain of my life in order to come to this road.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.
Boyfriends are like goal keepers. Just because they are there doesn't mean you can't score.
The sacrifice of hiding in the light is living with your shadows.
I'm not spoiled, I'm just well taken care of.
I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face
Whenever I use "Thus" in a essay, I feel like motherfucking Shakespeare.
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)
If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.
If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.
