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Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.

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Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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We are bestfriends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up. After I finish laughing.

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I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

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Until a man finds something to die for, he has nothing to live for.

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Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

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Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.

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Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.

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I'm not spoiled, I'm just well taken care of.

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Don't hate me because I'm better than you, hate yourself because you're not as good as me.

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If you're good at something, don't do it for free.

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He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.

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That sad moment when you find an old conversation between you and someone you don't talk to anymore.

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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My life without you would be like a broken pencil. Pointless.

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If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

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I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?