Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but is your name Susan?
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!
I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
Shit happens bro. Now get over it.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.
Don't punish the man in front of you for the mistakes made by the man behind you.
I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.
You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.
I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
