Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)
There are two kinds of secrets: one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.
Sleep, hugs, kisses, love, friends, family, memories, smiles, laughter, fun... the best things in life are free.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".
Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.
I'm thinking of a finger, and it's not 1, 2, 4, or 5.
I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.
Take chances, make mistakes, and don't regret a second of life.
I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.
I love that whenever we speak I have no idea what to say or how to feel.
I'm not getting drunk. I'm getting awesome.
You inspire me to be a better pervert.
Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.
That awkward moment when your pet is staring at you naked...
My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
Everybody is a student for life.
I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.
