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Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)

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Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.

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Sleep, hugs, kisses, love, friends, family, memories, smiles, laughter, fun... the best things in life are free.

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Be what you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

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Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

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Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

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Love needs to get glasses.

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Ran into my ex last week... backed up and ran over his ass again.

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Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.

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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

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Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.

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Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?

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If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.

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Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.

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Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?