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Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)

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You inspire me to be a better pervert.

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11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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If your not going to win the argument, lie.

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Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.

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I will love you until the end. If you feel that I don't love you, this is just the beginning.

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I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.

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I think 'First Response' and 'Plan B' should switch names.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

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I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.

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If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.

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I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.

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I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

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Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

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Don't tell me the rules if you can't even play the game.

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Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.