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The last thing I want to do is die.

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If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?

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Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.

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When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

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Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.

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Love is just a word, until someone comes along and gives it meaning.

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When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.

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It's weird not to be weird.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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The awkward moment when teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.

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Boobs. That's all, just like this if you like boobs.

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Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.

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Single doesn't always mean lonely and Relationship doesn't always mean happy.

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If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.

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Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.