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You know you love her when people think you're crazy.

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If you can't convince them, confuse them.

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If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.

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Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.

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Fight poverty. Throw stones at beggers.

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Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.

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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.

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Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.

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There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.

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Life is not what you take of it, but what you make of it.

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The awkward moment when someones yelling at you and your desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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Wild hearts can't be broken.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.

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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

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I swear Mario is a hobo! he wakes up wearing the same clothes, runs in sewers, and steals coins. To buy what. MUSHROOMS?

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If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.