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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.

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I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

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The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.

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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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If someone tries to bring you down it means that you are higher than them.

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We're all born screaming, naked, and starving...then it's pretty much downhill from there.

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You don't like my opinion, wait until you hear the ones I keep to myself.

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If you want to look young and thin, hang out around fat old people.

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Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.

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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

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A man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom.

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Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".