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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.

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When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

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What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'

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Some take the bait, others reel it in.

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Dear Bull, What did I do to deserve so much shit?

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He who laughs last didn't get it.

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I don't hate school. I just hate the teachers, the homework, the exams and waking up early in the morning.

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11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.

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If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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If someone tries to bring you down it means that you are higher than them.

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Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.

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If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

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When your best friend comes to you with a bitch problem and you're like"I don't give a fuck."

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I swear to drunk I'm not god.

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If she talks to you about everyone then she must talk to everyone about you.

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It's hard to answer "what's wrong", when nothing is right...

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Don't like me? Take a seat with the rest of the bitches waiting for me to give a fuck