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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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Winners do what other people won't.

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KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you're middle finger HIGHER.

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What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'

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Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.

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After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.

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If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.

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The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.

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I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

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A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.

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If your life is so shitty maybe you should wipe your ass better.

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Trust in God but lock your car.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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You can be worthless to someone, but priceless to another.

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I don't make the same mistake twice....I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.