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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.

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He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.

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Just like every president has a teleprompter, every idiot has a cameraman.

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It's weird not to be weird.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

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Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.

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Annoying moment: When you decide to be angry at someone for a week and the next morning, the anger you felt so strong, disappears.

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"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."

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Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.

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I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.

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The world needs less people that judge and more people that love.

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Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

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Ohh, that sounds kinda harsh. I better add a 'lol'.

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Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.

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I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.

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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.

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Maturity is knowing when to be immature.

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Life is like a penis. It's short, but seems so long when it gets hard