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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.

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How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes

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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

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The awkward moment when someones yelling at you and your desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

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Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you're middle finger HIGHER.

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Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.

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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.