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I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.

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The people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

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Shit happens bro. Now get over it.

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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

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If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.

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Love me always, love me never, but don't love me sometimes.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!

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Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.

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After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.

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Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.

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"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.

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Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?

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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.

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You're only as good as your last game.