I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.
I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.
No really officer, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.
Auto-correct can kiss my ask.
When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".
If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket...I'd miss u heaps and think of you often.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.
How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes
Real eyes realize real lies.
I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.
You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.
It's better to be the owner of your silence than the slave of your words.
Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.
The awkward moment when you're on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other bitches on there wont stop jumping so u can't get back up.
I think therefore I am, we think therefore it is.
