I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.
When life puts you in tough situations don't say "WHY ME?", just say "TRY ME".
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
That awkward moment when it's not okay after an apology.
Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a spider web you suddenly become a ninja?
Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Whenever I use "Thus" in a essay, I feel like motherfucking Shakespeare.
I am not afraid of death, it's just that I prefer not to be there when it happens.
Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
Karma's a bitch when you're a bitch.
I'm killing time, waiting for time to kill me.
I would kick your ass right now, but that would be animal abuse.
Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom, these people are called DADS.
Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.
Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
Cry over cuts and stitches not bastards and bitches.
A good friend buys you lunch. A true friend eats yours.
You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
