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Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

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Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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Men are like parking lots; all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

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Some people should be high-fived...in the face.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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Don't make me mad then tell me to calm down. Thats like stabbing someone then wondering why they're bleeding.

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Don't tell me the rules if you can't even play the game.

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You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

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Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.

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I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.

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I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.

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Never close a door that someone still holds a key to.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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We just have to accept the fact that some people are going to stay in our hearts....even if they don't stay in our lives.