Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.
If you were a transformer you would be a hot-obot called Optimus Fine.
What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'
Life's not a bitch, you're the bitch because your not trying hard enough.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
Did you just slap my ass? NO!? Damn I was hoping you did.
Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.
Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.
Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.
Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
