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Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

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Love is calling back regardless of how many times they hangup on you.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

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Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.

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Me: *sneeze* Class: *silence*. Popular girl: *sneeze* Class: God bless you amazing and lovely sweetheart.

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The human heart is like a spring, to bounce back from pitfalls and rise to joys, and it definitely needs space.

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Your character is more accurately determined by what you say about others behind their backs.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

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Believe in yourself. If you don't, then no one else will have a reason to.

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Be kind and courteous to everyone you meet but have a plan to kill them quickly if necessary.

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Don't make time for people who can't make time for you.

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If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?

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Forget it enough to get over it, remember it enough so it doesnt happen again.

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If at first you don't succeed..... CHEAT!

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I put the laughter in manslaughter.