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I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.

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The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

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He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder.

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I will love you until the end. If you feel that I don't love you, this is just the beginning.

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Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.

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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.

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I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.

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Those awkward karate chops you give door just incase it shocks you.

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I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.

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Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a spider web you suddenly become a ninja?

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Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?

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Light up the world with your smile, because you never know who might be stuck somewhere dark.

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You know it's going to be a great story when its starts off with, "So this b*tch!..."

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Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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When I'm always in my room; parents complain. When I go out; parents complain.

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F that B.

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You're never too old to learn something stupid.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.