"Dude that song is old"...."Well so is your mom....but you still listen to her."
Stubbing your toe and telling the inanimate object to f*ck off.
If you can't beat them, taze them.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.
If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.
Life's not a bitch, you're the bitch because your not trying hard enough.
If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.
Be man enough to accept the consequences, be child enough to do it anyway.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.
Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.
I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.
Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.
I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.
Light up the world with your smile, because you never know who might be stuck somewhere dark.
