Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.
I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
I eat problems, then shit out success.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.
Fall in love with my mind.
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.
Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom, these people are called DADS.
Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.
11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.
You'll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.
Everybody thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. Yeah right, our dream is to EAT WITHOUT GETTING FAT!
Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past.
Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
Chuck Norris was bit by a poisonous snake. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
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