Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Life is a case of spoon or be spooned.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.
You can spend your life avoiding your dreams, but everynight you go to sleep.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
I swear to drunk I'm not god.
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.
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