Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.
Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don't, raise your standards.
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.
If at first you don't succeed..... CHEAT!
That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.
Cool story bro. Yeah your mums in the next chapter.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I put the laughter in manslaughter.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.
Regret lasts longer than fear.
Ladies, the only time it is okay to be skeleton skinny is when you are dead. So eat the frigging cookie and enjoy it.
Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom, these people are called DADS.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.
Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.
If you can't beat them, taze them.
Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.
You can be worthless to someone, but priceless to another.