Never lie to someone who trusts you. Never trust someone who lies to you.
I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.
Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
You can't define love, but love can define you.
Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.
Regret lasts longer than fear.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I am not afraid of death, it's just that I prefer not to be there when it happens.
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?
Ohh, that sounds kinda harsh. I better add a 'lol'.
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
Women want one man to fulfill their every need. Men want every woman to fulfill their one need.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A soulmate is meeting the piece of you that is missing. It's undeniable and scary, but you feel lost without it.