Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)
You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.
I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.
Cool story bro. Publish it and sell it to someone who gives a shit.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Its the scars that can't be seen that take the longest to heal.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
If I don't answer your first call, calling me 39971629829202 times won't make me pick up.
The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.
After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.
I think therefore I am, we think therefore it is.
Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you weaker and weaker until it eventually kills you.
