Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.
Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.
We always start with completing the difficult. It just takes us a little longer to do the impossible.
Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.
You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Taking forever to pick up a phone call because you're dancing to your ring tone.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.
Don't punish the man in front of you for the mistakes made by the man behind you.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Off; the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.
Homework: Do me do me. Internet: Don't listen to that slut.
I really need you to, put the camera down and step away from the mirror.
If all MEN are the same, why do WOMEN take so long to choose one?
Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.
The word 'studying' was made up of two words originally - 'students dying'.
