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Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.

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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

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I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

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Today was a beautiful day. Then you showed up.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

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Perception is everything.

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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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True friends stab you in the front!

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You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.

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You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?