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Jesus can walk on water. Ice is 100% water, I can walk on ice. Therefore, I'M 100% JESUS BITCHES.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

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Girls are like aspirin. I take two and go to bed.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.

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This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".

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In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.

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NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.

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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

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Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.

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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.

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We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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Never count on tomorrow because it may forget to show up.

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24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.

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Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.

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If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.