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Cool story bro, changed my life.

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I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.

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Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?

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I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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Cool story bro. Needs more dragons.

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Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

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Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.

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Don't look back. You'll miss what's in front of you.

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Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

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I say excuse me when I burp even when nobody is around....true gentleman.

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Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.

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I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.

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Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.

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Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away, Bella died, Jacob cried, POTTER ALL THE WAY!!

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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Ohh, that sounds kinda harsh. I better add a 'lol'.

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Whatever floats your boat as long, as it doesn't sink mine.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.