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Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.

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The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.

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You live and you learn.

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Some people should be high-fived...in the face.

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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Everyone and everything eventually becomes only just a memory.

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Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

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Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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If I'm weird with you, I'm comfortable with you.

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It's hard to talk face to face, when your head is up your ass.

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This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".

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There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.

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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

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I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.

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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

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I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.

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Definition of disappointment: guy runs into a wall with a boner and breaks his nose first...