Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.
My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.
Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.
The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.
When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.
You can pay for school, but you can't buy class.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
You do not learn anything by doing everything right.
To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.
Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right man to see it.
The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.
What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'
It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.
Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.
Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.
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