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Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.

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Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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It is true that there is no "I" in team. But there is an "I" in win.

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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

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When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat.

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I'm invisible, can you see me? Yeah? How about tomorrow night?

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Everything becomes funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

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I'm your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.

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Fear not the weapon, but the hand that wields it.

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Patience gets you everywhere on time.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.

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Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.

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Face your problems, don't facebook them.