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Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.

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Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.

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I know the beginning and end of this book but what shapes life are the chapters between.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Today is the Tomorrow we worried about Yesterday.

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Got an issue? Get a tissue.

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If you aren't good at lying, you better be good at keeping secrets.

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I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.

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I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

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Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

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I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.

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Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.

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Don't like me? Take a seat with the rest of the bitches waiting for me to give a fuck

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What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

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Don't tell me the rules if you can't even play the game.