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Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.

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My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.

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Live everyday like it's your last because someday you will be right.

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The greatest part of being imperfect, is being perfect at it.

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When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

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I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.

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You can pay for school, but you can't buy class.

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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You do not learn anything by doing everything right.

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To whom much is expected, much should be suspected.

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Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right man to see it.

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The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.

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You're never too old to learn something stupid.

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I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...

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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

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What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: 'Does this smell like chloroform?'

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It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.

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Life is a bitch, but totally do-able.

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Life is like a penis, when it gets hard, fuck it.