Everyone thinks that: Its every girl's dream to find the perfect guy....in fact its every girl's dream to eat without getting fat.
That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.
If you can't beat them, taze them.
Negativity is poison for the soul.
True friends aren't bought, they are earned.
If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.
When someone says "It's getting hot in here" I automatically think, "So take off all your clothes".
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I will still love you when you're no longer young and beautiful.
I hate when I'm on the couch after a long day, I put the TV on and then my family starts having a competition of who can be the loudest.
Dreams lift when reality falls.
I am not afraid of death, it's just that I prefer not to be there when it happens.
Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom, these people are called DADS.
Don't punish the man in front of you for the mistakes made by the man behind you.
I wish I was as much of a morning person as my penis is.
Got an issue? Get a tissue.
Cockiness is just confidence without confidence.
Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
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