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Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.

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Some people should be high-fived...in the face.

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I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

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My foot just fell asleep. I think I'm gonna kick it with your face to wake it up.

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2013: The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

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Your character is more accurately determined by what you say about others behind their backs.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.

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Teacher: "You failed the test." - Student:"You failed to educate."

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Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.

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Laughter is a better way to bring tears to the eyes.

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Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.

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If they dont chase you when you walk away....keep walking.

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Not everyone's gonna understand you and that's ok.

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The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.

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Yeah, I'm single, but you're gonna have to be amazing to change that.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.