Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
Mom: What do you think I am, made of money? Daughter: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Haters are just confused admirers.
When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.
Never count on tomorrow because it may forget to show up.
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
When a teacher sends you outside you have successfully won the argument.
It isn't till you've lost everything that you are free to do anything.
Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
