Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.
Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.
It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.
The ultimate price you pay is nothing but time.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Life is not what you take of it, but what you make of it.
People are stupid, with random moments of brilliance.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
You look at them. They look at you. You look away. Awkward.
Until a man finds something to die for, he has nothing to live for.
If she talks to you about everyone then she must talk to everyone about you.
The awkward moment when you politely decline food at a friends house and immediately regret the decision afterwards.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
My biggest mistake is not kissing you when I had the chance.
Be what you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
I hate when I walk into a room, forget what I need, walk out and then remember.
