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Facebook is for for friends who are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers who should be your friends.

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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Everybody spread positivity.

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I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday, and when its not my birthday.

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Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.

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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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Act like a gentleman, think like a boss.

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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

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Patience gets you everywhere on time.

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The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.

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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!

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Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

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Giving up does not always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

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If someone tries to bring you down it means that you are higher than them.

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The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.