When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
Good things don't always have to come to an end.
If I got a nickel every time I told my wife I loved her....I'd have a nickel.
Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.
The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
When staring someone in the eyes, u wait for them to stare back at you.
Cool story bro, now go make me a sandwich.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.
Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.
If you text me first, it's your job to keep the conversation going!
Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
The awkward moment when somebody asks you what's wrong and they're the problem.
Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.
