When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
The lottery: voluntary taxation.
It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.
Don't trip over bitches, walk over them.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Auto-correct can kiss my ask.
Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.
I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.
Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.
Sometimes I look at people and think: That sperm actually won?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If your not going to win the argument, lie.
Its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
