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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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Imagine how different your life would be if you said literally everything that was on your mind.

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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.

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When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

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Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.

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May the bridges I burn today, light the path tomorrow.

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I'm killing time, waiting for time to kill me.

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Believe in yourself. If you don't, then no one else will have a reason to.

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My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.

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Know one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care.

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That awkward moment when you don't die on Dec 21 and your kid asks you why he was born on Sept 21.

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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

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After Mondays and Tuesdays even the calender says WTF.

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Women don't want to hear what you think, women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

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Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)

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Take my advice, don't listen to my advice.

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Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.

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The minute you settle for less than what you deserve you get less than what you settled for.