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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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Ohh, that sounds kinda harsh. I better add a 'lol'.

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Don't erase your haters, embrace your haters.

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Cool story bro. Put it in the history books with all the other boring sh*t I don't care about.

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If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.

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Brushing your teeth before breakfast, is the same as wiping your ass before taking a shit.

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The world is full of guys, be a man.

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Relationship status: Thank god there are 2 TVs in this house.

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God made Heaven and Earth, the rest was made in China.

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The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.

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If at first you don't succeed..... CHEAT!

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Treat every problem as your dog would: If you can't eat it, fuck it or piss on it, then walk away.

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My brain: 5% names, 3% phone numbers, 2% stuff I should know for school, 90% song lyrics.

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I'm not single. I'm in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.

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Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.

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When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

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You are not a winner, just the last loser standing.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?