Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you're in prison.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.
There's no such thing as good girls gone bad, only bad girls found out.
Always remember to smile.
Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
That moment when your mum shouts your name so you do a quick recap of all the things you've done recently to see if you're in trouble.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.
I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
Mario: An Italian plumber that was created by Japanese people, who speaks English, but looks like a Mexican.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.
