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Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

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Real eyes realize real lies.

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The awkward moment when the world doesn't end on December 21st 2012, and a lot of girls end up being pregnant.

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Every day you will meet a moron; if you haven't met one today, tomorrow you'll meet two.

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Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

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When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

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You're only as good as your last game.

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If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

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Born to be different, like everyone else.

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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

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Some people just need a high-five. To the face. With a chair.

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Wherever you go, there you are.

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Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right man to see it.

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Girls are like aspirin. I take two and go to bed.

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Never count on tomorrow because it may forget to show up.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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If it put a smile on my face, there is no reason to regret.