I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.
I'm experiencing Deja Vu and Amnesia at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...
Everyone keeps telling me how fun Angry Birds is, but I've been insulting my parakeet all week and he just seems hurt.
I am not afraid of death, it's just that I prefer not to be there when it happens.
Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.
I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow...when I woke up my pillow was gone.
Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself.
When staring someone in the eyes, u wait for them to stare back at you.
We put the "us" in trust, baby.
Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.
When single you see happy couples. When in a relationship you see happy singles.
Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
