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I didn't fall, I just caught the floor.

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Mephobia. The fear of becoming so awesome that everyone dies.

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Me: *sneeze* Class: *silence*. Popular girl: *sneeze* Class: God bless you amazing and lovely sweetheart.

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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

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Next time someone says "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" I'm gonna throw the dictionary at them.

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Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

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You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.

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That awkward moment when your in class then your stomach decides to make this dying whale's voice.

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True friends aren't bought, they are earned.

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If you find yourself using the expression "haters gonna hate" a lot, there's a better than average chance you're a douchebag.

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Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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I don't have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel.

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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

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I hate people who are lazy. They're so lazy, they don't even finish their own

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My ideal mate is someone like you, but with a different personality and with a different face.

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I went up to my moms face and screamed " I WANT FOOD !!! " Until I got slapped in the face

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You never realize how offensive your music is until your parents are sitting in the passenger seat.

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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.