To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH, and you're middle finger HIGHER.
Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.
Disappointments are just God's way of saying: "I've got something better." Be patient, live life, have faith.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?'Hold my purse.'
Auto-correct can kiss my ask.
Real eyes realize real lies.
Don't punish the man in front of you for the mistakes made by the man behind you.
Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.
Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.
I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?
Every woman is beautiful, it just takes the right man to see it.
A girl just told me she wants something with a lot of diamonds for her birthday, I'm gettin her a deck of cards!
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.
You should appreciate what you have, before it becomes what you had.
