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To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me? Sh*t! You gotta be kidding!

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If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.

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This duct tape makes everything you say sound like "yes".

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If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman who learns her place.

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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

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I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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NO MUM. You're mad because you're wrong not because I was talking back.

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Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.

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Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.

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Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you weaker and weaker until it eventually kills you.

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Chuck Norris made orange juice concentrate.

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A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.

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Haters make you famous.

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Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out?

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Once upon a time, there was a boy and girl who loved each other. Then a slut came and ruined everything. The end.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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A girl looks at what a man drives. A woman looks at what drives a man.

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Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.