Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
Finding the meaning to life gives life no meaning.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.
Sex is like money. It's only a problem when you don't have any.
"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.
I have finally decided to give a crap. Now who wants the first piece?
If there was only woman ruling the word there would be no wars. Just a bunch of countries jealous of each other.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Some women can't find a GOOD MAN cause they're too busy looking for a PERFECT MAN.
Baby, I treat you like my homework, I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long.
Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "Funeral".
I can only endure saying goodbye because saying hello again will be all the sweeter.
I put the laughter in manslaughter.
Teacher: "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!" Me: Are you asking me out? O_O
You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.
I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.
