Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
It's half water, and half air. So really, the glass is never half empty.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
If your not going to win the argument, lie.
Always remember to smile.
I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "Just kidding."
Haters are just confused admirers.
Life sucks. But what it sucks on we may never know.
I tried to send you the most sexy thing on the planet, but the mail man told me to get out of the mailbox.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help, So I hired a hitman.
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.
F that B.
Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
Everybody spread positivity.
Mario: An Italian plumber that was created by Japanese people, who speaks English, but looks like a Mexican.
People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
