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Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.

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I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.

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Man: created by God, destroyed by a women.

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Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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Cool story bro. You should get it in Oprah's book club.

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It sucks that you can't photoshop that personality too, bitch.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

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11.24265336624% of people pay too much attention to details.

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I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?

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Why don't you just swallow all that makeup you put on? You might become pretty on the inside.

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Light up the world with your smile, because you never know who might be stuck somewhere dark.

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The awkward moment when someone is yelling at you and you're desperately trying not to laugh at their angry face.

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Physiological fact: emotional pain lasts for twelve minutes, anything else is self inflicted.

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Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack because his heart isn't that foolish to attack him.

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Laughing at the person because the joke was a fail.

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Don't hate me because I'm better than you, hate yourself because you're not as good as me.

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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I love walking in the rain 'cause no one can see me crying.