Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
There are needs and there are wants. I need what I want.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
I will stop loving you when the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, yeah that means never.
Everyday the sun rises, but it doesn't shine until you wake up.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
I have moments of brilliance and hours of stupidity.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alchoholics go to meetings.
The awkward moment when Edward and Santa bump into each other in your room because they're both watching you sleep.
It's not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.
If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I will.
The awkward moment when a guy has bigger boobs than you.
Everyone's fine with babies being entertained by keys, but let one baby drive a Porsche and suddenly I'm a horrible uncle.
