Sneaking your seatbelt on slowly when you see a cop.
I don't fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.
That awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Regret lasts longer than fear.
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.
Never count on tomorrow because it may forget to show up.
Your a boy, I'm a girl. So tell me again why we aren't dating?
Fall in love with my mind.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Cool story bro, tell it again and I'll punch you.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
Charlie Sheen just set record for 'fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers.' Not his only speed record.
You know you love her when people think you're crazy.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Real eyes realize real lies.
When life blows sometimes the best thing you can be is a dick.
